Coping with "difficult" children
COPING WITH “DIFFICULT” CHILDREN
Raising children can be challenging and tasking. All children are not the same. They are different in their personalities. The method you use for one may not work for the other. No child is difficult if you understand the child and use the right method to raise the child. A child becomes difficult when you fail to understand the child. The essence of this article is to provide practical approach in coping with “difficult” children and how to see children as treasured gift that need to be expressed love and accept for who they are.
A child is said to be difficult if the child is a trouble maker in school or home. Troublemaking is defined as looking for other children trouble by hitting them, taking their belongings and running away with it. A child is difficult when the child is moody unnecessarily, keeps to himself and does not relate with others just want to be on his own no matter how you try to get response from the child, the child is unwilling and rigid. A child is said to be difficult if the child is disobedient to rules and instructions given by teachers and parents. A child is said to be difficult if he is restless and resist control. A child is said to be difficult if he/ she always want to have his/her way. Carrie Barron M.D defines difficult children as children that are hard wired to disturb the peace at home or school.
Why are children difficult? Children can be difficult for so many reasons which can be caused by many factors such as environment where the child is being raised, personality of his parents, peer pressure, parental traits, lack of acceptance, absence of love and care, poor parental upbringing. These factors are discussed extensively below:
Environment: the environment the child grows up has a great influence on the child. The first environment of the child is the home where the child is being raised and the neighborhood. If a child is being raised in an unloving home where there is usually conflict between father and mother, conflict between siblings. Such a child may tend to resist correction but if a child grows up where there is love and mutual understanding. Such a child may not be difficult. Children are replica of their homes. The surrounding environment of a child also have a role to play in the life of a child, what the child see, hear or listen to have a key role to play in his perception about life. A child raised in an area that is characterized with thuggery, prostitution, drug abuse, clubbing, bullying and other social vices may be difficult in the process of developing resistance to cope in that environment.
Poor parental upbringing: another key factor that makes a child difficult is poor parental upbringing. Some children are difficult because they are raised in a broken home or no home at all. It takes a man and a woman to bring about reproduction of a child likewise it takes a mother and a father to raise a child. Children cannot be raised singlehandedly by either the father or mother without lapses. In the early ages, children manifest some characters that need to be checked, such as throwing tantrums, at this stage they need to be called to order by enforcing discipline. Children that always have their ways ended up becoming difficult.
Lack of acceptance and love: children want attention, they want parents that will accept them, they want listening parents, a parent that will always be there for them. When a child is not accepted he feels rejected, sober and moody which may make the child to be unnecessary difficult. Creating time for children will make them have confidence in you and pour their heart to you when they are deprived of attention they may become unnecessarily restless. Love is simply giving your children the best. Giving them the best of your time, best of your resources and above all being there for them. Children want you to feel what they are feeling, they want you to be in their world and relate with them. Children have needs just like adult, they have social, emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Do you know children also have dreams and they need someone to share it with? No matter how low your income are as parents you can always make them happy in your own little way if you plan for it. Take them out for vacation, buy gifts for them, surprise them do not wait until when they win a competition in school or perform excellently in school exams before you make happy. Let them know that regardless of their flaws your love for them remains constant.
Poor parental knowledge: Being a parent is beyond copulating and giving birth to children . it’s a great responsibility that calls for adequate knowledge. There are good books on how to raise godly children, understanding temperaments of children. Read books and surf on net on how people have raised children for the kingdom, attend family life seminars, interact with grannies in the church and neighborhood and learn on how to raise children. Parenting is a work , it requires great knowledge which you need to acquaint with so as not to commit parental errors. Knowledge will guide you from comparing children with one another. Do not compare your child with other children in the neighborhood. Do not compare a child with his elder or younger siblings. Comparing children with one another may make a child bitter and becomes difficult. Do not set high unrealistic standards for your child, do not force your unrealized dreams or visions on them , this may make them to feel inferior or see themselves as failure. Approach rod of discipline with caution and wisdom, its not every wrong thing they do that deserves rod or else they becomes difficult by developing resistance to the cane and the cane will not have effect on them again sometimes you call them , hug them and correct them in love. Do not use punishment like not giving them food because of committing wrong or refusal to buy them clothes because they did not impress you in their school exams.
Personality of the parents: this has to do with the traits of the parents which are transferred to the children biologically. These traits are inborn. The character of the child cannot be strange to that of his parents. A difficult parent may have difficult children. It is the duty of parents to note this trait as soon as they see it and look for ways they can manage the difficult child emphatically and not treat the child with cruelness
Disorder factor: a child can be difficult as a result of medical disorder or defect. For example in a class, a child who is short sighted that does not see the white board from where he sits may result into disturbing others who are writing thereby disturbing the peace of the class. A child who stammer or slow in speech may get angry when he is being mocked or ridicule in the class. A child who have low intelligent quotient in the class may result in bullying other mates as a form of self defence when he is being despised as a result of his poor performance.
Carrie summarizes reasons why children are difficult: “children are difficult because of a creative personality, a highly sensitive nature, oppositional defiant disorder, a learning disability, a mood disorder or subclinical phenomena”.
How can we cope and manage a difficult child? The following are the suggestions:
Parents and teachers need to understand the psychology of a child. Knowing why a child is difficult is necessary. A child can be difficult for any reason. It is the duty of the parent and teachers to find out. Once the root cause of difficulty is known, the problem is fifty percent solved.
Give the difficult child attention, be interested in them, show concern about their welfare, generally difficult children want attention that is why they disturb the peace of home and school. In the course of giving them attention you will get to know how you can help them out. Separating a difficult child from others in the class is not enough, show the child love , be concerned about the child, there is something the difficult child need, find it out and give the child. This requires time simply show empathy for the child, get into the child world and feel what the child is feeling.
Understand the difficult child strength; maximize their strengths by giving them tasks and assignments that will keep them busy. Difficult children are usually energetic, help them narrow their energy and restlessness towards their strengths.
Accepting the difficult children as they are, do not resist them, do not tongue lash or talk them down but rather accept their indifferences by channeling their indifferences in a positive way. This may look unrealistic but it is realistic in an atmosphere of love
Create an atmosphere of love, where there is love you will be able to communicate with the difficult children. The child will tell you why he acts difficult and you will be able to be of help. It is natural to resist a difficult child by scolding or spanking but that is not enough. Spanking without love makes the child more difficult.
Parenting a difficult child can be challenging, you have a lot of negative reports to deal with about your child from the neighborhood and school after a hectic day at work. Each time your phone rang and you see the class teacher number or the head teacher number you are scared to pick it because it is another negative report. The natural response is to transfer aggression on the child but instead of that accept the child idiosyncrasies, let the child know that no matter what he does he remain your child, you loves him but you hate that particular bad trait or character that he or she is showing. Let him know her know how bad you feel when he act in such way, that is simply acceptance, give him attention, show him love, create more time for the child, correct and spank in love. Above all go on your knees and talk to God that gives you the child about the difficulty that you have observed in the child and he is able and he is able to turn everything around for good.
Finally, remember that no child is difficult if you take your time to understand them. any difficulty trait that a child display is calling attention of parent to give more time to the child and channel his difficulty into a positive way. Difficulty in a child is a sign that the child is destined for something great in life and needs help to direct his energy so that it can take take the child to high places in life.
Abolanle Oladipupo
Raising children can be challenging and tasking. All children are not the same. They are different in their personalities. The method you use for one may not work for the other. No child is difficult if you understand the child and use the right method to raise the child. A child becomes difficult when you fail to understand the child. The essence of this article is to provide practical approach in coping with “difficult” children and how to see children as treasured gift that need to be expressed love and accept for who they are.
A child is said to be difficult if the child is a trouble maker in school or home. Troublemaking is defined as looking for other children trouble by hitting them, taking their belongings and running away with it. A child is difficult when the child is moody unnecessarily, keeps to himself and does not relate with others just want to be on his own no matter how you try to get response from the child, the child is unwilling and rigid. A child is said to be difficult if the child is disobedient to rules and instructions given by teachers and parents. A child is said to be difficult if he is restless and resist control. A child is said to be difficult if he/ she always want to have his/her way. Carrie Barron M.D defines difficult children as children that are hard wired to disturb the peace at home or school.
Why are children difficult? Children can be difficult for so many reasons which can be caused by many factors such as environment where the child is being raised, personality of his parents, peer pressure, parental traits, lack of acceptance, absence of love and care, poor parental upbringing. These factors are discussed extensively below:
Environment: the environment the child grows up has a great influence on the child. The first environment of the child is the home where the child is being raised and the neighborhood. If a child is being raised in an unloving home where there is usually conflict between father and mother, conflict between siblings. Such a child may tend to resist correction but if a child grows up where there is love and mutual understanding. Such a child may not be difficult. Children are replica of their homes. The surrounding environment of a child also have a role to play in the life of a child, what the child see, hear or listen to have a key role to play in his perception about life. A child raised in an area that is characterized with thuggery, prostitution, drug abuse, clubbing, bullying and other social vices may be difficult in the process of developing resistance to cope in that environment.
Poor parental upbringing: another key factor that makes a child difficult is poor parental upbringing. Some children are difficult because they are raised in a broken home or no home at all. It takes a man and a woman to bring about reproduction of a child likewise it takes a mother and a father to raise a child. Children cannot be raised singlehandedly by either the father or mother without lapses. In the early ages, children manifest some characters that need to be checked, such as throwing tantrums, at this stage they need to be called to order by enforcing discipline. Children that always have their ways ended up becoming difficult.
Lack of acceptance and love: children want attention, they want parents that will accept them, they want listening parents, a parent that will always be there for them. When a child is not accepted he feels rejected, sober and moody which may make the child to be unnecessary difficult. Creating time for children will make them have confidence in you and pour their heart to you when they are deprived of attention they may become unnecessarily restless. Love is simply giving your children the best. Giving them the best of your time, best of your resources and above all being there for them. Children want you to feel what they are feeling, they want you to be in their world and relate with them. Children have needs just like adult, they have social, emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Do you know children also have dreams and they need someone to share it with? No matter how low your income are as parents you can always make them happy in your own little way if you plan for it. Take them out for vacation, buy gifts for them, surprise them do not wait until when they win a competition in school or perform excellently in school exams before you make happy. Let them know that regardless of their flaws your love for them remains constant.
Poor parental knowledge: Being a parent is beyond copulating and giving birth to children . it’s a great responsibility that calls for adequate knowledge. There are good books on how to raise godly children, understanding temperaments of children. Read books and surf on net on how people have raised children for the kingdom, attend family life seminars, interact with grannies in the church and neighborhood and learn on how to raise children. Parenting is a work , it requires great knowledge which you need to acquaint with so as not to commit parental errors. Knowledge will guide you from comparing children with one another. Do not compare your child with other children in the neighborhood. Do not compare a child with his elder or younger siblings. Comparing children with one another may make a child bitter and becomes difficult. Do not set high unrealistic standards for your child, do not force your unrealized dreams or visions on them , this may make them to feel inferior or see themselves as failure. Approach rod of discipline with caution and wisdom, its not every wrong thing they do that deserves rod or else they becomes difficult by developing resistance to the cane and the cane will not have effect on them again sometimes you call them , hug them and correct them in love. Do not use punishment like not giving them food because of committing wrong or refusal to buy them clothes because they did not impress you in their school exams.
Personality of the parents: this has to do with the traits of the parents which are transferred to the children biologically. These traits are inborn. The character of the child cannot be strange to that of his parents. A difficult parent may have difficult children. It is the duty of parents to note this trait as soon as they see it and look for ways they can manage the difficult child emphatically and not treat the child with cruelness
Disorder factor: a child can be difficult as a result of medical disorder or defect. For example in a class, a child who is short sighted that does not see the white board from where he sits may result into disturbing others who are writing thereby disturbing the peace of the class. A child who stammer or slow in speech may get angry when he is being mocked or ridicule in the class. A child who have low intelligent quotient in the class may result in bullying other mates as a form of self defence when he is being despised as a result of his poor performance.
Carrie summarizes reasons why children are difficult: “children are difficult because of a creative personality, a highly sensitive nature, oppositional defiant disorder, a learning disability, a mood disorder or subclinical phenomena”.
How can we cope and manage a difficult child? The following are the suggestions:
Parents and teachers need to understand the psychology of a child. Knowing why a child is difficult is necessary. A child can be difficult for any reason. It is the duty of the parent and teachers to find out. Once the root cause of difficulty is known, the problem is fifty percent solved.
Give the difficult child attention, be interested in them, show concern about their welfare, generally difficult children want attention that is why they disturb the peace of home and school. In the course of giving them attention you will get to know how you can help them out. Separating a difficult child from others in the class is not enough, show the child love , be concerned about the child, there is something the difficult child need, find it out and give the child. This requires time simply show empathy for the child, get into the child world and feel what the child is feeling.
Understand the difficult child strength; maximize their strengths by giving them tasks and assignments that will keep them busy. Difficult children are usually energetic, help them narrow their energy and restlessness towards their strengths.
Accepting the difficult children as they are, do not resist them, do not tongue lash or talk them down but rather accept their indifferences by channeling their indifferences in a positive way. This may look unrealistic but it is realistic in an atmosphere of love
Create an atmosphere of love, where there is love you will be able to communicate with the difficult children. The child will tell you why he acts difficult and you will be able to be of help. It is natural to resist a difficult child by scolding or spanking but that is not enough. Spanking without love makes the child more difficult.
Parenting a difficult child can be challenging, you have a lot of negative reports to deal with about your child from the neighborhood and school after a hectic day at work. Each time your phone rang and you see the class teacher number or the head teacher number you are scared to pick it because it is another negative report. The natural response is to transfer aggression on the child but instead of that accept the child idiosyncrasies, let the child know that no matter what he does he remain your child, you loves him but you hate that particular bad trait or character that he or she is showing. Let him know her know how bad you feel when he act in such way, that is simply acceptance, give him attention, show him love, create more time for the child, correct and spank in love. Above all go on your knees and talk to God that gives you the child about the difficulty that you have observed in the child and he is able and he is able to turn everything around for good.
Finally, remember that no child is difficult if you take your time to understand them. any difficulty trait that a child display is calling attention of parent to give more time to the child and channel his difficulty into a positive way. Difficulty in a child is a sign that the child is destined for something great in life and needs help to direct his energy so that it can take take the child to high places in life.
Abolanle Oladipupo
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